Teach Tweens to Make Good Decisions

Written by Rachel Lovingood

There aren't very many constants in the world of raising middle schoolers, but one thing that usually becomes an issue between parents and their tweens is the struggle for independence and the need to control. As your son or daughter matures, even slightly, one of the first things they will question is why you have the rules you have and why they aren't allowed to make any decisions for themselves. Many parents choose to follow the natural inclination to just tell them what to do and expect them to obey, after all, it mostly worked while they were in grade school, and the Bible does talk about children obeying their parents.

Keep in mind that things have changed from elementary school and the Bible also instructs us to train up our children in the way they should go. Training is not just about obedience. It's also about teaching them how to make the right decisions.

Control Can Be Dangerous in the Long Run
Consider the differences between influence and control. Control seems to work as long as the person in authority is always present when a decision needs to be made. The problems arise when children grow up and friends at school invite your son or daughter to get involved in something negative, and you aren't there to tell them what to do; or when your tweens begin to want to use the brain that God gave them to actually think about things on their own. It's sad to see a tween or teen who has never learned to make good, godly decisions suddenly be faced with something major. If they have never been trained in the way to pray and think about possible consequences, they often will take the easy way out and be forced to deal with huge consequences. Control seems very safe, but it is actually dangerous as time goes by.

Give Them the Tools to Make Wise Decisions
It is our responsibility as parents to influence the tweens in our lives so that they become wise, godly teenagers. (Yes, it is possible.) We must face the truth that we will not always be around when our youth are being pressured or influenced negatively. If we have done all that we can to teach and train our kids to make good decisions then we can be more at peace, knowing that they have the tools they need to make the right decisions. The idea of influence over control in no way means that parents of middle schoolers should abdicate all authority and set their students free. Rather, parents need to begin encouraging their tweens to think through the choices they face and make some of their own decisions.

Influence is not as hard as it may sound. One way to begin influencing your student to make good choices is not to answer immediately when they ask permission to do something. Ask some questions about what the issue is and then ask your tween, "What do you think is a good choice here?" Depending on the situation, you may need to point out some of your family rules that may be compromised if a certain choice is made. It is still important to remind your teen that the rules you have in place are for a reason, and they still need to be respected. Ask questions about what the different choices involved are and what each probable consequence will be. If you learn to dialogue with your son or daughter, you may well be surprised to find that they really have the ability to discern what is right and wrong; maybe they have been listening all these years!

Change Your Thinking
What influence versus control really boils down to is that parents need to change their thinking from "How do I get my student to obey?" to "How do I influence my son or daughter to make their own good decisions?" When the question changes, the focus moves from control to cooperation and you will probably notice your tween acting more mature than ever before because of the trust you are showing. Many tweens don't act more mature because no one expects them to. It is very easy in middle school years to form some negative opinions of self-some haven't grown yet, others grew too fast, peers can be mean, and finding the right group of friends is not always easy. Not many people look back and fondly wish they could return to middle school. Raising the bar on your expectations may be just the catalyst needed to help your son or daughter develop a more positive and healthy self image. If you trust them and have faith in their character, maybe they will see themselves in a more positive light.

Steps in Good Decision Making
There are lots of ways to teach good decision-making skills. Start with conversation. Encourage your tween to talk through issues with you. Ask them to think about what the Bible says about certain situations. Challenge them to find Scripture to back up their ideas. If they aren't seeing a particular side of an issue, find a way to lead them to it by using a hypothetical situation or a pretend person who faced a similar choice. Look through the Bible and use examples of people who made good choices as well as people who had to learn the hard way. Help them see their motivation for the choices they make as well as how the possible decisions could affect their future. Ask your teen "Will that choice help you be who you want to be or who you believe God wants you to be?" Be willing to share some choices you made that weren't the best and also share tools that you use now to seek God's will in situations. Remember that when you can influence your tween to make a wise decision it will have stronger convictions behind it than one for which you just received obedience.

Teach Yourself Out of the Job
The truth of the matter is that we are supposed to teach ourselves out of a job as a parent by the time our kids are grown. As you begin to allow some decisions to be made by your tween, you must be prepared to also allow them to face subsequent consequences. That is why it is extremely important to make wise choices yourself as you train your student to think and decide wisely. If your tween doesn't handle the responsibility well, you always have the option of pulling back until he or she matures a bit more. None of us will ever parent perfectly, but our willingness to recognize and admit our faults will serve us well as we face the challenges of middle school.

Rachel Lovingood is a writer, mother of a middle schooler, and actively supports her husband, Jeff, who is a youth minister. Together they reach, teach, minister to, and listen to hundreds of middle schoolers and teens.

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